SciFi and Fantasy Stories: The Sorceress' Daughter: Prologue [OLD]
This is the prologue to The Sorceress' Daughter. It occurs nineteen years before the first chapter. It's pretty deep and should be read tenderly, but gives a whole lot of valuable information needed later on in the story. If the story has a weakness, it would boil down to 'Too many minor details running rampart.' I welcome comments with all my heart. Minor changes suffered on 11.10.03.
At the dawn of civilization, there were the Old Kingdoms. As soon as man killed animals for food, he knew he could kill his fellow
man. And as soon as two tribes met, both of the opinion that their crops were
entitled to the same soil and their beasts were entitled to the same grass,
there was war. Those tribes turned into cities, and the cities turned into
kingdoms. But the war didn't end. One race, however, simply left. Perhaps they were a mixture of
ethnicities shunned by all other tribes. Perhaps they were religious pilgrims,
or maybe they just felt the call of the seas. Regardless, a band of sailors left
the Old Kingdoms, and they rowed and sailed along a strong northwest current to
a land untouched by other men. The land was named Teria by the settlers, and over time their society
flourished. Over time, similar refugees from both the Old Kingdoms and Teria set
sail to discover and settle the continent of Servia. Still the expansion of men
blossomed and the small continent of Ebolia, with Teria to the West and Servia
to the East, was settled. In the fashion of men, homes were built, neighbors banded together,
cities were founded, and governments were forged. History was created by the
endless march of time, entities of world dominating power shaped the course of
destiny in their own way: The Tersian Republic, Hartian Alliance, Sian Empire,
Tersian Empire, Servian Compact, and Ebolian Union each took their place as the
most powerful force in the world, over the span of five thousand years.
The Tersian Republic held Teria, Ebolia, and Servia in it's grasp before
it fell apart trying to conquer the Old Kingdoms. The Hartian Alliance was a
shady group who manipulated the world through rouges and secret agents. The Sian
Empire started as a small nation at the remote tip of Servia and held Ebolia and
Servia before the Emperor was slain in Teria. The Emperor's name was T'rquin, and he was a sorcerer. An otherwise
normal human born under an influx of magical powers, T'rquin was able to tap the
vast energies of life. The Hartian Alliance was too led by a sorceress, one
named M'rdyth. T'rquin and M'rdyth were, put simply, the most feared creatures
ever to exist. Since T'rquin, every sorcerer found was burned, executed or
imprisoned. This job was carried out by the Tersian Empire, who were lead by the
descendants of the hero who slew T'rquin. The fear of sorcerers kept Teria in
place as the most powerful entity in the world for over a millennia. Presently, the most powerful nation is the Ebolian Union. Ebolia was
under Servian control until the rebellion for independence shattered the Compact
into ethnic war. (It was in fact Ebolia which caused the collapse of the Compact, but not
due to the revolution. The underground resistance in Ebolia had long operated a
group known as "Assignment 4", which specialized in political manipulation and
sabotage. A carefully hidden secret, A-IV is the only reason such a small nation
could have such complete power)
Ebolia was the undisputed leader of the world. Servia was shattered into
dozens of ethnic tribes. Teria was still a player in world politics, but only by
virtue of size and history. It was these circumstances which allowed the
extraordinary events detailed in this novel to occur. The progress of history
marched on. And the sorcerers held back and watched.
The Actors Take Their Place
Preparation is the key to victory. As long as an army strives for
victory, they should be prepared. The army of Ebolia understood this: The intensity of the training for the
Ebolian Grand Guard was unparalleled, mostly because EGG accepted applicants to
their academy long before they would be eligible for any other draft. Large
contingents of first-year students in the academy were always fourteen-year-old
orphans. They didn't see combat until they were eighteen, naturally, but Ebolia
still provided four extra years of training. EGG operated in a radically different way than any other army. The idea
was that they needed to be prepared for combat at all times, even in times of
peace. To keep their soldiers on their toes, EGG allowed corporations,
individuals, and other countries to contract out Guardians. In short, EGG was a
mercenary group over whom the President of Ebolia had a permanent (and
prioritized) contract. The nation of Servia, the largest remaining chunk of the Servian Compact,
also kept their soldiers alert by a similar means: They launched many frequent
invasions of the smaller countries around the continent. Servia gained large
amounts of land quickly that way, but the world in general was mortified.
Several minds announced loudly that the Servian continent was about to become
the New Old Kingdoms: A state of eternal ethnic war. However, the fifth or so nation to be invaded launched a secret SOS to
EGG, and as soon as the elite fighting force arrived, Servia withdrew. It was
reported that neither side took any casualties, and that Servia fled without
firing a shot. The idea caught on wildly with the rest of Servia's crosshair fodder, and
soon the Servian Service couldn't turn a corner without seeing the scarlet
uniform of EGG. SeSe didn't stop the invasions though, and EGG didn't stop
rescuing EGG didn't mind because each invasion was a small cash-cow. SeSe didn't
mind because each fight was an excellent training scenario. The world in general
ignored the affair, and the only ones who really minded were the ones currently
occupied. Teria's army didn't follow the same principals. In fact, Teria didn't
have much of an army at all. The Tersian Nationals, founded over two thousand
years before the present, was pretty much decimated by the Thirtieth Tersian
King, Endimion Heartfire III. His logic was that Teria was basically safe from all foreign armies.
Ebolia didn't NEED to invade a country to get her way (A-IV was a secret every
ruler knew about, but could never be sure when he was influenced by the
clandestine group.) Servia was too busy clinging to her former glory to set her
sights off continent, and the Old Kingdoms had opted to wallow in their own
blood bath since the dawn of history. The incredible amount of upkeep for
weapons, barracks, and pay could be diverted to someplace slightly more useful,
like soup kitchens or schools, and Teria would be a generally better
place. He drafted a royal edict, by the name of the Military Redirection Act,
which abolished all non-volunteer positions in the Tersian National Guard and
kept only the elite Nationals who provided the King's security. It was the Military Redirection Act that resulted in the downfall of the
Heartfire crown. Not because it abolished the military (although that didn't
help). In fact, it was the broadcast of the speech which caused the
downfall. In that time, the official language of Teria was a dialect known as Old
Tersian. However, 99% of Tersians were fluent in Ebolian, an overlapping 2% were
fluent in Tersian, and 1% were considered illiterate. In fact, there was only
one person alive who spoke ONLY Tersian, and that was Endimion Heartfire. He
broadcast his speeches in Tersian, and that 2% made a comfortable living as
translators. However, they were dying off quickly. The head advisor to the King began a massive battle to get the King to
speak Ebolian. "We are a Tersian King. We will speak our native tongue." "That tongue is a dead one, my liege." The advisor pointed out. This
debate had occurred before, when the King was about seventeen years
old. "No." "Your Highness---" Eventually, the aide found a piece of logic so sound the King couldn't
argue against it. The Military Redirection Act was the first decree the King
broadcasted in Ebolian. He made a general mess of the language: Slaughtered
tenses, mixed pronouns, mispronounced words, confused accents, and even
misplaced adjectives. "Funding military results where world piece murders children with guns
created. Counteracting restaurants and global misconception have rendered
military inoculations. Overweight moneys will be spent in poetry for Teria's
youth and my harem." The journalists in the room had politely suppressed their laughter until
the final line. Even after the head aide pushed Endimion off the stage and read
the speech properly, the press was tickled with the prospect of the King
diverting funding from the military to his personal brothel. The late night
comedian had a scene of young women in Tersian military uniforms lounging in a
room filled with couches and sofas, misbehaving in general by licking pistols
and tickling each other with toy swords. "We ain't speaking Ebolian anymore." Endimion said, secretly wondering
why he didn't have a royal harem. "Your highness---" The head advisor said firmly, "We have hired a speech
tutor for you." The matter had been decided in a grueling all nighter of a council
meeting right after the Military Redirection speech. In short, the advisors
vowed to get Endimion to speak perfect Ebolian, or die trying. They set a strict
criteria for all potential tutors: He must be native and completely fluent in
all things Ebolian, he must have no regional accents, he must be a trained
educator, he must not have a political agenda, and a tutor with a family (who
might accompany him) was frowned upon. They scoured Ebolia and found Terra
DeCiel. "Terra" is Old Tersian for "Child of Teria." Naturally, she was not a
child of Teria. On the same token, if you were to enter an open-air market in
Servia and ask for a 'terra', you would be handed a highly starchy tuber. No,
her name was her mother's idea of a security measure: No self-respecting witch
would claim to be from Teria. Terra was a prim, thin, black-haired woman with large eyes, a narrow
face, and a very pale complexion. She was also short, and stood in stark
contrast to Endimion. Endimion was tall, blond, stocky, and had a much wider
face. And, for all of Endimion's blunders, Terra was as graceful as wind over a
brook. She moved into Teria Keep and immediately made a nightmare for herself.
She refused the room prepared for her and demanded the western-most point in the
Keep, exactly opposite the location of all furnished sleeping quarters. Once
settled, she submitted to the kitchen a special diet: High in leaves, low in
roots, and mostly avoiding meats. Poultry and foul was acceptable, and pork if
mandated by special event. However, no meats from any animal larger then a
pig. For whatever reason, the complaints of the staff never reached the
advisors' ears. It would be highly inaccurate to suggest the whole of the event
which was about to unfold could have been avoided by a cook complaining a little
louder then he did, but it deserves a footnote just the same. To her own credit, Terra began teaching immediately and with unexpected
gusto. The vigor of the study was obvious in Terra's method: She kept the King
locked up in classes whenever she could, as often as she could, and at whatever
hour of the day she could. The time spent was the marvel of the advisors, until
Endimion revealed his engagement. "MARRIAGE?" The head advisor roared. "There is no way I can allow
you---" We are a king and a man." Endimion said simply. "You have no right to
tell us what to do. "I! ME!" The advisor spat, turning quite purple. "There is no royal tense
in Ebolian!" Endimion's bow knit, as if he saw no reason as to give his head aide such
a reason to tantrum. "We ain't going to stand here and---" "I AM NOT!" The advisor screamed, his eyes watering. He threw a book
across the room. The King's ears turned red, and after a calculated pause he said, "I love
her. We will be married. We are not going to be stopped---" "WE WILL NOT BE!" The advisor corrected once again. "I am this close to
apoplexy! Maybe it hasn't sunk into your love-struck brain," The advisor was
considerably shorter then Endimion, and he jumped up on every word to bring
himself to eye-level, "that I cannot allow this marriage to happen! DeCiel is a
foreign national who isn't a citizen, doesn't even plan on living in Teria, is a
peasant, and need I mention the numerous young ladies of the lower courts who
are all red-blood Tersians, and here I need to remind you of your duty to marry
a young female noble of full Tersian blood, one who is socially popular,
acceptable, photogenic---" And so it continued for several minutes, and at the
end of it all the advisor was near tears, out of breath, and shaking. "Last but
not least, Baronet Quillfire, who is my personal favorite, fancies you far
beyond your crown, and is one of your kingdoms most delicate flowers. Just wait
until she finds out you're engaged to some alien---" Endimion appeared unfazed through the tongue lashings, and interrupted
with a grin. "Then invite her to the bachelor party! Invite them all, but only
the photogenic ones. Not like anyone'll ever see those photos though,
eh?" The advisor made a violent gesture of ripping his tunic down the seam.
"So she taught you enough Ebolian to be lewd. Charming. I'm glad enough tax
money was spent paying her so she could practice saying naughty things to
you---" Suddenly his eyes bulged out of his head. "She's pregnant, isn't
she?" "Not yet." Endimion said jovially. "She is as virgin as the day is long
and I love her. She--- She has this aura." The advisor began with a guttural moan and ended with a high-pitched
warble. When it was through, it looked like he was ready to curl up and die. "An
aura? An aura? An aura is a mask. It conceals, it hides, it misleads! Would you
trust anyone who wore a mask? Would you listen to me if I had a bag over my
head? Are you listening to me now? Well, hear this: Veto!" Endimion turned dangerously dark. "What?" He hissed. "Veto! I cannot allow you to marry her for reasons related to the
sanctity of the Heartfire bloodline and the policies of employment for all civil
servants!" At that time, the highest, first-tier advisors had the ability to forbid
the King from doing something until the matter was put in front of the council
of advisors for a vote. "The Advisor to Fish and Game is a third-tier position and doesn't have
the power to veto." Endimion pointed out. The advisor looked murderous. "You can't demote me in the process of
veto!" He spat. "I didn't." Endimion said. "I foresaw this altercation and filed the
paperwork fifteen minutes before I summoned you." He made it a point to use his
newfound dazzling vocabulary. " So, I'd like you to go and tell the rest of the
council the good news. Also, if you don't extend my apologies to Baronet
Quillfire in person, then I'll have you locked up for dereliction of duty. Get
it?" The advisor glided silently out of the Keep at that point, took the
Baronet to a bar and became very, very drunk before completing his duty, at
which point he locked himself in his house and didn't make many more council
meetings. The wedding was a gala affair with a very small live audience: The
President of Ebolia, the Vanguard of Servia, all the nobility of Teria, the
leaders of the small countries resting on the Tersian continent, and the leaders
of the small Servian nations with whom the Vanguard could get along with both
personally and diplomatically. The wedding was, of course, broadcast to all of
Teria and most of the world. It was a decadent, royal affair, which was pretty
much the Tersian event of the century. The glamorous details of
who-came-with-whom, how large the cake was, how long the parade was, and how
exquisite the food was were all reported in every major press outlet to the
point of copyright, and so none of them can be written here. Suffice to say, it
was the high-point of Endimion's reign. In reality, the wedding had nothing to do with the collapse of the
Heartfire crown. It is important only because it involved Terra. Terra was the
key to the events. However, the people of Teria were ecstatic over the whole
affair. They had been waiting, wondering, and reading fictitious accounts of
Endimion's love life for about five years. The King had a Queen. The Lord had a
Lady. The Knight had a Damsel. It was Teria who was in distress. Terra had a secret, a secret so deep and so secure not even her lover
could even surmise it's existence. It was only on certain occasions when he
could even guess something was wrong with his wife. The secret brought guilt,
and with guilt came a need to be loved. The harshest of pundits would say that
the Queen never loved the King, but only received and responded to his
affections. That is, in every sense of the word, wrong. The Queen's love
could be proven with what she did when she learned she was pregnant. She shared
her secret, tearfully whispered to her husband spontaneously spoken in the
middle of the day.
The dilemma that faced Endimion suddenly was tremendous beyond
explanation. The ordeal was so intense that he needed to consult a vast number
of the world's greatest minds for advice. He started with his own council. They were flabbergasted, and gave no
helpful advice. In fact, the only response they gave was in the form of the Fish
and Game advisor, who screamed, "Told you so!” Spat on the ground, and then quit his job. The next pair of thinkers came from Servia. "We recommend the only
sensible course of action." The dark-haired, greasy scientists said. "Abort the
child. Divorce the Queen. If she does not divorce civilly, hire EGG." 'Hire EGG'
was a Servian euphemism for the assassination of political prisoners. "Your
majesty, you are facing what may be the end of cilivization as we have known it
for two thousand years." The next ensemble of thinkers came from a panel of freelance 'experts'
hailing from around the world. "We can see nothing wrong with bringing the child
to term and keeping the whole affair silenced. What the world doesn't
know..." The next mind, while not the last, was the definitive. Sage D'orac, the
Dean of the Ebolian University. D'orac was the greatest thinker at the time, and
will be remembered forever as one of the greatest men who ever lived. "I really don't care." Was his advice. "Is that all?" Endimion nearly snarled. D'orac was a comical figure, very short, very
round, with a spherical head, oval spectacles, and two handlebar mustaches
compensating for a bald head. "No, it isn't. I've been told that this is the
event of the world as we know it. 'I don't care' isn't a humane
answer." "Humane! That's the thing." D'orac said gleefully. "You can either do the
safe thing, or the humane thing. I don't think either option is the smart
option." "If you'd like your fee, I'd like a course of action." Endimion said
drolly, knowing that it would catch the attention of any Ebolian. "You're not using your brain, sire." D'orac said. "If she wanted to take
advantage of the situation, she wouldn't have come to you by chance as a tutor.
No, if she wanted your attention she would have had it long ago. And what would
she gain by waiting for a child?" Endimion nodded. "That's right. Thank you." D'orac let out a mighty, "Aha!" before shaking his finger at the King.
"You're still not thinking! Do you want to trust the fate of the world on mere
circumstances? No, you want to reach a conclusion based on what you know! You
know that the Queen takes a special diet low in meat. You know she abhors all
sunrises. She is pregnant, so I'm assuming you've seen her naked at least
once...?" Endimion blushed, and nodded. D'orac snapped. "But not completely!” He laughed at the pleasure of
knowing what royal family members wore in the sack. “She wears four bracelets
which never leave her person! Four manacles that were wielded onto her arms
under my own supervision, which renders her as harmless as a career Tersian
soldier!” Endimion was too busy picturing the bracelets to respond to the Sage,
even after he paused. “In short, Terra lives her life in a manner which is
dictated by a method I developed myself, and it gives her, and the rest of the
world, piece of mind. And, if you triple my fee, I'll give you a tape recording
of me saying, 'there is no harm in the marriage between you and the
Queen.'" Endimion smiled, and pointed to a one-way mirror over his shoulder.
"Already have one, actually. Thank you."
Denouement
The announcement was made at a feast celebrating the second anniversary
of Endimion's marriage. The ballroom in Teria Keep was decorated beautifully in
blues and whites. A thousand candles flickered against the hand-ground crystal.
A table many yards long was outfitted with the most comfortable chairs in the
palace, and the undisputed best chef in Teria catered the food. The list of guests was pretty much the norm: All nobles of Teria
(including the Baronet Quillfire, who had become a good friend and close advisor
the both the King and Queen, and was in fact sitting as close you could get to
Endimion without being Terra), the President of Ebolia, the Vanguard of Servia,
the North Tersian leaders, the Servian leaders, et cetera. However, there were
some notable inclusions. Sage D'orac was there, and was in fact the Toastmaster.
There were some other Ebolian Sages, some generals from EGG, and, most notably,
some tribal Kings from the Old Kingdom. They were Terra's doing: She encouraged
Endimion to send a diplomatic mission to the islands and bring them closer to
the rest of the world. Endimion found a great deal of pleasure in conversing
with the Old Kings in their native tongue, which closely resembled Old
Tersian. After an excellent feast (mostly devoid of beef, but the pheasant
detracted from that), D'orac rose to the podium behind the head of the
table. "Ladies and gentlemen, you have so far focused on a turkey stuffed with
sage, so please now focus on a sage stuffed with turkey." And so began the
downfall of the Heartfire Throne.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Endimion began, repeating each sentence in
Ebolian and Tersian, "Thank you all for showing up tonight. This little
get-together is in honor of my wife, Queen Terra DeCiel Heartfire, and our
completion of two years of marriage." Applause. "My wife has honestly done more
for the people of Teria then any other Queen since the dawn of our Empire.
Thanks to her, over ten thousand families moved into a clean, modern house last
year. Thanks to her, soup kitchens are fully stocked and have begun teaching
their patrons skills invaluable to their advancement in society. Thanks to her,
thousands of needy students will have grants to pursue higher education. If all
this can be accomplished in two years, the future of Teria is bright
indeed. "Beyond that, it was the Queen's work which brought our four honored
guests from the Old Kingdoms here. It is my wife's dream that this will be a
turning point in world relations, and we hope that the people of the Old
Kingdoms will learn that their cousins, the Tersians, Ebolians, Servians, and
all other nationalities, are still of the same flesh, same blood, and same hopes
for a united mankind!" This was worthy of a standing ovation, except for the Old Kings, who
might bring themselves to work towards unity of mankind once they obliterated
the infidels encroaching on their rightful land. They scowled at one another and
frowned at the clothing, food, and electric lights. "However, there is another undertone to this evenings festivities.
Another focus on the future of the world, and I call upon my lovely wife to
speak." There was some stale, diplomatic applause. Endimion once called it the,
“Why can’t they make speeches after desert?” clap.
Terra glided to the podium. She was dressed in an ice blue dress which
matched the rest of the room, and her face was the perfect picture of inner
tranquility. "Well, for starters, I'm pregnant." The Baronet Quillfire let out a
squeal of surprise, and the rest of the room applauded. A couple of the noble
ladies dropped many of their deep-seated dislikes for the Queen. "And, to finish, I am the youngest in the Kinderflame line, and I have
been a sorceress---" No one heard the rest of her sentence. The speech was being broadcast
around the world, and the world froze. The Old Kings laughed audibly and heartily, and joked among each other
about how blissfully wonderful it would be if they started another war and
killed themselves in the process.
Meanwhile, fathers snarled at the television, and mothers drew their
children in close--- All knee-jerk reactions to the word 'sorceress'. It took only a few moments for the sharp ones to analyze the situation:
Every vital leader in world politics was locked in one room with a sorceress.
Never before had such a perfect opportunity presented itself to a sorcerer.
M'rdyth? Born under an age of anarchy. T'rquin? Blazed his own path. T'rra? One
wave of her hand, and the kings, presidents, dictators, emperors, viceroys and
generals of the world would be smitten dead, face down in their hors
d'oeuvres. Inside the Keep, the hundreds of candles became pillars of hellfire. The
reflection in the crystal became the refractions of Gehana. The sky-blue decor
became as cold as ice. Terra, or Sorceress Queen T'rra, to be respectful, stood, unmoving, at
the podium. She looked, plainly, as if she was going to be sick. The guilt she
had felt all her life swallowed her. It created a psychological need to be
loved, and there was no love in the world for T'rra. She turned and faced her
husband, who was as unmoving as the rest of the room. The first person to move was the President of Ebolia, and his action was
carefully hidden. It was to spin the crown of his watch in a special movement.
The watch began broadcasting a radio signal that screamed alerts and commands to
every Ebolian Grand Guardian in the world. The Vanguard of Servia was next, and his gadget was disguised as the
screws in his eyeglasses. They armed Servia's secret long-range missiles, but no
one outside of Servia knew about those. One of the Old Kings took out an Old Tersian-Ebolian dictionary, and
broke the silence by saying (gleefully), "Everyone is screwed."
Curtain
Never
before had Teria been closer to lynching a royal family. At the end of the
feast, T'rra started crying, and D'orac, in his usual unattached attitude, sang,
"All but the waiters: Dismissed!" And then quickly amended it to open an
impromptu press conference. D'orac was smart enough to know that there wasn't a
single journalist who would approach Teria Keep with an armed guard. He used the
'press conference' to help himself to more pheasant. He was correct. Every journalist in the world thought that they could
cover the story quite well, thank you, on their own, comfortably in their homes
at a computer terminal. In fact, passing down a damnation to a Sorceress was one
of the easiest things in journalism, as every college graduate had written an
average of 4.89 papers on the Sorcerers and Sorceresses of the world. However, the leading newspaper of the time was The Daily Cornet,
published in a small, diplomatically neutral country in the northern part of the
Tersian continent. The staff gathered in a secret meeting which gave the
Sorceress Queen several more months to live. "You see---" The editor said, rolling a fat cigar around his mouth,
"every newspaper in the world is going to be calling for the abortion of the
baby and demanding T'rra, in a cage, at the North Pole. But part of journalism
is looking at the story in a fresh way, right? Well, we have just snagged a
statement from Uncle Baldie (a pet nickname for Sage D'orac) saying everything
the world needs to here. I've got an article all written up nice here..." He
tapped a manila folder on his desk, "And all it needs is an author. A rookie,
who is about to have his career made for him. Give me a name." "Thom Reagan." Someone offered. "Thom is about to become a very famous man. Remember, gents, if we do
this right we'll be hung in effigy. Maybe someone'll fire bomb the office.
This---" He said, blowing a smoke-ring,"could be our finest moment." The article was front page on every paper that subscribed to the Cornet
Wire Service.
Sorceress: Safe Sage D'orac Hennel, as told to Thom
Reagan
All right boys and
girls, let's think about sorcerers and sorceresses. As far as you know there
have only been four: M'rdyth, T'rquin, P'rrol, and T'rra. Naturally, the world
is a little better off now then when M'rdyth was calling the shots. M'rdyth
was born right after the breakup of the Tersian Republic. She is basically
considered to be the first person to explore magical powers. She used this power
to manipulate and force her way to the top of a shady network of rouges and
spies known as the Hartian Compact. She established a reign of fire which has
(and will continue to) scar the 's word' since it was used. But, of course you
know this. T'rquin used similar tactics, and was defeated by Arwin Heartfire.
The spot he was slain was marked by the greatest mausoleum ever built: Teria
Keep and Palace. Of course you knew that too. P'rrol never came to any sort
of power. She was born and she died at the tender age of seventeen, murdered in
cold blood by overzealous Tersian Nationals. She wasn't a Queen, she wasn't an
Empress, she wasn't a threat. Since P'rrol, and before P'rrol, sorcerers and
sorceresses have been born, lived, and died. They didn't bear contractions or
titles. They were called Mr, Mrs, Daddy, and Mommy. No one knew about them but
them. I bet you didn't know that. Sorcerers occur in 'lines', families, where
the powers are passed on to the first-born and no other child, creating a chain
of descendancy instead of a 'tree'. Lines start and end abruptly for reasons I
suspect but cannot confirm. The Sorceress Queen T'rra is just one of the few
who know they are a part of a line. The Kinderflame line can be traced back four
hundred years...: Needless to say, none of them have been troublemakers. But you
didn't know that. The Sorceress Queen takes great care to suppress the
magical power which is her birthright. She starves herself of magical energy the
best she can: Avoiding the sun, eating few animals, and doing careful mental
exercises have carried her through all her life and will continue to as long as
she lives. The most impressive measure was designed by me personally:
Powerful magnetic bracelets locked in place, unable to be removed. These magnets
disrupt the natural flows of energy and cut down on T'rra's magical potential
exponentially. Feel free to place your trust in my judgment. You have as long
as T'rra has been alive. But of course, you didn't know that.
The world stood on edge for six months. The editor of The Cornet looked
forward to being burned, skewered, sliced, beaten, and shot at in effigy on a
daily basis, mostly on the lawn of the main office. However, Servia was quiet.
EGG studied anti-magic measures carefully. Tersians ate, drank, and lived under
a dark cloud. Then, the sky opened. It occurred over a tiny village known as Sina Togg. A swirling, chaotic
mass of magical energy suddenly appeared over the village, and crashed into the
tangible plane with force enough to leave a fifty-foot crater in lieu of the
hamlet. Anything that touched the energy was contorted, morphed, and deformed. A
simply beetle exploded in size, becoming the size of a car. Men grew extra
limbs, lost their minds, and gained a thirst for blood. Some were completely
engulfed in fire and still lived--- In their own, monstrous way. Plants were
morphed into their own aggressive entities, granted unearthly freedoms of
movement. The natural fiercesomeness of bears, badgers, cougars, and other
beasts was magnified with the addition of tusks, spiked tails, and other
fantastic horrors. Worst of all, the existence of magical creatures on the tangible plane
changed physics as it was known. Electricity in all manners failed outright: No
spark plugs, televisions, or plumbing. Guns worked fine, nothing electrical
there, but oft the bullets wouldn't so much as draw blood from the
monsters. The wave of energy seeped through the tangible plane just slower then the
horseback riders. Women who knew how to ride spread the alarm. The men stayed
back to fight. All others were warped or killed. On that day, Queen T'rra went into labor. The two major pieces of news mingled together in the process of
transmission: "The monsters are coming! The Queen's child is coming! The
monsters are here! The Queen's child is born!" By the time the news hit Teria City, an influx of refugees poured into
the ancient stone embattlements. A mob formed outside Teria Keep and quickly
overcame the National's standing guard. Some Nationals were killed after opening
fire, and some turned on their King. The mob stormed through the castle,
burning and gouging, tearing down tapestries and anything that beared
resemblance to Endimion. The horde was unstoppable. They were one body, acting
in fear and hate, spreading through the Keep until they reached the
infirmary. The room was abandoned, unlike most of the others. The nurses had
gathered all the medicines and supplies they could and left. The King and Queen,
however, remained behind. Their hands were clasped together, and their bodies
were lifeless. Perhaps they poisoned themselves, perhaps the Queen killed her
husband unwittingly, perhaps they simply had heart attacks at the same time. No
one cared. No one noticed the bracelets T'rra wore to suppress her powers were
torn in half and were on the floor. The only thing anyone noticed was the lack
of an infant in the room. The mob burned the corpses in a gruesome pyre which gutted most of Teria
Keep. However, Teria found a savior.
His name was Vistian Delamore. He hailed from the Old Kingdoms, and when
his chieftain was invited to that fated dinner in Teria it inspired to exile
himself in the tradition of the first Tersians. As soon as he found someone who
spoke Old Tersian (the closest thing to his own tongue) he announced he knew how
to stop the onslaught. He retold the story of his tribe’s greatest hero, who
defeated a horde of monsters centuries before. According to him, the way to
defeat monsters was common knowledge among the men in his country. He gathered all the men he could and made his stand outside of Teria
City's walls, and his army diverted the tide. The city was saved, but it was one
of few.
Vistian was appointed Commanding General of the Nationals, and
hastily crowned himself Regent. He taught his men the tactics he knew to defeat
the monsters, and his popularity soared. He gravely told the world that the monsters would not be eliminated for
too many years. He asked for (and received) Teria's full support, and he vowed
not to rest until Teria was free from the scourge. Once he was fully installed as Regent he immediately created an elite
team of Nationals dubbed 'Black Gloves' (for their uniform). The first action of
the Black Glove was a secret, gruesome one: They scoured the streets and
delivered to Vistian the body of an infant boy, newly decapitated, for
inspection. The presumed heir to the Heartfire throne, and the presumed end of
the Kinderflame line.
Concerning "Curtain": ~ "You see---" < Yeah, probably should have pointed this out earlier, but the hyphens. The excess of hyphens. What is the point of the excess of hyphens? One hyphen would be correct. More are pointless, tacky, redundant, wrong, and an overall abomination of grammar. ~ 'A **simply** beetle exploded in size, becoming the size of a car.' < "simple"? ~ 'He hailed from the Old Kingdoms, and when his chieftain was invited to that fated dinner in Teria it inspired **** to exile himself in the tradition of the first Tersians.' < Is there a word missing there? Like a subject? Possibly "him"?
Leaves questions, but I assume those were intentional. Highly amusing. ^_^ *pause* That sounds morbid, doesn't it? Trust me, it's one of my highest compliments. Amused is just my way of saying you actually made use of my attention span in a manner I found pleasant. ^_~
Overall: First section and first part of second section seem devoid of meaning, sense, or worth to me. What purpose are they serving? Can those purposes be taken up by other, more entertaining methods within the parts of the story that are actually -for lack of better terms- part of the story? The story parts of this story were great. I loved 'em. Highly amusing, very well written. But if I'd been in a book store, I'd have never gotten that far. So yeah... think hard about how you want to present this initially. History lesson or entertaining tale. Your call, my dear, your call.
Kudos on the Mod's Choice, by the way. Though I can pretty much guarantee it wasn't for the opening... *tra la la* Jamie Herrington Gorton replies: "Thanks, you've really helped along my revision!"
One question, though: WHY were those bracelets put on her person? It seems that it happened well before this affair arose. Is it standard for women to be shackled in bracelets that make their magical powers a moot point? Were they put on after her confession? Did she request they be put on before she confessed? How did this come about? Further reading helped to answer the question, but there's an emphasis on FURTHER. Why not tell us right here, where the information stems from? Why wait 'til the news article? What is your reason?
Concerning "Denouement": ~ 'However, there is another undertone to this ***evenings*** festivities.' < "evening's"; possessive. ~ 'Inside the Keep, the hundreds of candles became pillars of hellfire. The reflection in the crystal became the refractions of Gehana. The sky-blue decor became as cold as ice.' < The first sentence leads me to think all are meant literally. Question, then: why? And if it wasn't literal -as further reading prompts me to believe- why use a description that can be mistaken for literal quite easily?
Concerning "The Actors Take Their Place": ~ You might want to put a space between the opening title of this section and the last line of the section preceding it. ~ 'Large contingents of first-year students in the academy were **always** fourteen-year-old orphans.' < I don't think "always" is a wise word choice here, since "Large" implies that not all of the first-year students are orphans. You're contradicting yourself in the space of a sentence, you see? ~ 'President of Ebolia had a permanent (and prioritized) contract.' < ^_^ Love that info in parenthesis. Really, really do. ^_^ ~ 'In that time, the official language of Teria was a dialect known as Old Tersian. However, 99% of Tersians were fluent in Ebolian, an overlapping 2% were fluent in Tersian, and 1% were considered illiterate. In fact, there was only one person alive who spoke ONLY Tersian, and that was Endimion Heartfire.' < Problems. For one thing, you never tell us whether "Old Tersian" and "Tersian" are the same thing; it's like saying "Old English" and "English." Old English dredges up images of thee and thou; English doesn't use those. We don't know whether those two are the same, so you really need to connect them somehow. Also, "illiterate" means people that can't read. What's that got ta do with speaking? I get an impression of what you're trying to say, but you're not saying it. Pick a word that conveys your meaning. ~ '****We are a king and a man."' < Opening quotation marks, dearie. ~ Terra had a secret, a secret so deep and so secure not even her lover could even surmise **it's** existence.' < "its" is the possessive form of "it"; "it's" means "it is." ~ '"I really don't care." Was his advice. "Is that all?"' < ^_^ I love you. ^_^
The dialogue was a wise move. It was very entertaining. ^_^ However, up until the dialogue starts (and that's literally up until, as in, up until the sentence before it starts), you've got the same problem of complete and utter boredom that haunts "The Stage is Set." If you get this published as is, there are going to be very few people beyond your editor and close friends that will get far enough to read that fun. How's about you spice up the rest of the boring parts with similar little flashes of highly ingenious dialogue? Something to keep us going in-between the history lesson.
This part was much, much better. It isn't boring. It's actually a story. That's good. Now you're putting your writing skills to use. Very good. *pats you on the back*
22 May 2004
Alexander E. Brittan
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That was reeeelly good, Jamie! I see someone's already done some nitpicking, but I found some mistakes too: “…and the rest of the world, piece of mind…” should be “…and the rest of the world, peace of mind…” “…saying everything the world needs to here…” should be “…saying everything the world needs to hear…” “…A simply beetle…” should be “…A simple beetle…” That's all I found. A few little mistakes with how you structure your sentences...but that's okay. At least the story made sense, and was captivating. =) I know I can't really talk. When you read my stuff you'd think I never edit my work. Actually I do, nearly 24/7. I printed out a manuscript of "The Cross" and right now I'm busy editing. It's really tiring and I wish someone else would do it for me, but that's not possible. It has to be me, coz only I know how I want to story to be. Anyways, great story, see you round! -Alex =) Jamie Herrington Gorton replies: "Thanks much!"
"...nation to be invaded launched a secret SOS to EGG..." I doubt it's intentional, but, I found that to be amusing: "However, the fifth or so nation to be invaded launched a secret sauce to the egg..." Sorry, I'm just prone to noticing that sort of thing. This is very well done! I happen to like the history lesson by the way, and I trust that it will be significant later. So far it's a gripping glimpse into the greater novel, which I will continue reading... Jamie Herrington Gorton replies: "Wow, I need to work that into the story sometime later on. Thanks for swinging by!"
23 Jul 2006
Lids
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'the Fish and Game advisor' is yet my favourite character. this is done so well i found myself gaping at first and laughing at moments. It is not so much of a told story really, just the history of one, but it is extremely great! rarely did i find error nd well, i can't even be jealous this was amazing!
That was long, but it was good! I love history also and am taking the AP class. I liked the way you told your story, as if it were a history lesson or perhaps a someone reading from old writings. I didn't doze off or anything during it; it kept my attention the whole way through! I look forward to reading more!
8 Oct 2006
Preston
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I could care less about the grammar. This was an amazing story. I am like the only person who did not write a paragraph as a comment.
27 Dec 2007
Nealan
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Your grammer could use some work but your plot line has amazing potential. I happen to enjoy historical fantasy so your method of explaining the settings political background was very useful. You might try going with the history angle even more so that an old storyteller or a historian is explaining a major historical event. Overall it was very enjoyable
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